Why conversations about care matter
Starting the conversation about care early helps ensure decisions are thought through, rather than rushed. It also gives your family member the dignity of being included in choices that significantly affect their life and future.
These early discussions also help reduce potential family conflict later by setting clear expectations. Together, you’ll have more time to explore different levels of care - whether that’s home support, respite care, or a rest home - and make a plan that feels right for everyone.
Most importantly, putting a plan in place before a crisis means you’re prepared if there’s a sudden change in health, such as an injury, a hospital stay, or an illness. Instead of making difficult decisions under pressure, you will already have a shared understanding of next steps.
Preparing for the conversation
Take time to understand their situation
Before raising the topic, take time to notice any changes in your family member’s behaviour, mood, or routine. Are they becoming more withdrawn or lonely, especially after a recent loss? Do you notice lapses in memory or other signs of cognitive decline? Have they become less cheerful or seem to be struggling with personal hygiene or daily routines?
These subtle shifts may point to an underlying need for extra support . Recognising shifts in behaviour helps you approach the conversation with empathy, demonstrating that your concern is about their wellbeing and quality of life, not just the practicalities of care.
Research and gather information
Being prepared can make conversations about care more reassuring for everyone involved. Researching things like the needs assessment process, home help, care homes, levels of care, and respite care will help you with both your own understanding and your ability to have compassionate, informed conversations about it. It is also helpful to research eligibility for government funding and other financial support, so you’re able to answer questions with confidence.
Reassure your family member that talking about care isn’t about rushing them into a decision or an immediate move – it’s about planning ahead to keep them safe, supported, and independent, for as long as possible.
Choose an appropriate time and place
Where and when you choose to have conversations about care can make all the difference. For example, a quiet, private setting where your family member feels comfortable and at ease, will help them feel less overwhelmed. Avoid times when they may be more tired, distracted, or potentially upset.
Involving siblings or other close family members can be helpful, and at times essential, but it can make the conversation feel overwhelming more than supportive due to the sheer number of people present. The goal is to make sure your family member feels supported, not defensive, and open to chat. A calm, thoughtful approach will help set the tone for a constructive conversation.
Starting the conversation with compassion
Use empathetic language
The language you choose to use, and the way in which you communicate, are ways in which you can help keep the discussion between you and your family member positive and collaborative. Phrases like “How can we make life easier for you?” or “I need your help to figure this out” can make your family member feel included in the decision making, rather than them feeling like they are being told what to do.
You might also share your own feelings or experiences, such as “Do you remember when Uncle Jack had that fall and we had to rush him to emergency?”. Anecdotal conversations can often help open the floor to focus on real concerns you’ve all experienced, not just your family member’s own challenges.
Listen to understand
Listening well is just as important as speaking gently. Focus on truly hearing your family member, their concerns and hesitations, even if you may not completely agree with them. Acknowledge their emotions, validate their fears about ageing or moving to a care home, and give them time to express what matters most to them.
Avoid rushing them into decisions. By showing that you’re there to listen, you will build trust and make it easier to reach an agreement together.
Involve them in decision making
Empower your family member to shape their own care plan wherever possible. Ask what independence looks like to them and how they see levels of care working to support that vision.
You could shortlist care homes, book visits, or trial a short-term respite stay. For those considering a move to a Bupa care home, our care planning process is designed to make the transition as smooth, collaborative, and personal as possible.
It’s important to share with your family member that any care plan can be revisited and adapted as their needs or preferences change over time.
Overcoming common challenges
It’s natural for conversations about care to feel emotional or even awkward or uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Talking about care is a step towards better wellbeing for everyone involved – not a sign of ‘giving up’. There are many common challenges family/whānau face with conversations about care, which you can find information about, and support for, below:
- Resistance to care: Family members may fear losing independence. Reassure them that care can enhance their safety and quality of life. Visiting a care home or trying respite care can often help them see the positives for themselves.
- Financial worries: Concerns about cost are common. Share what you’ve learned about government subsidies and which services are covered. If needed, involve a financial adviser. If there are any questions on the care home’s services, a Bupa team member can help answer questions and give clarity.
- Family/whānau disagreements: Sometimes, not all family members have seen the daily struggles. Some family members who aren’t in close proximity as often may even be in denial due to a lack of understanding about the situation. Sharing specific examples of safety risks or health concerns you’ve experienced with your family member can help others understand why care is being considered, making the discussion more constructive.
Taking the next step
Once you’ve talked through the options available, the next practical step is putting a plan into action. This might mean booking a needs assessment, arranging home modifications for safety, or visiting a Bupa care home to see if it could be the right choice for your family member.
When you and your family member feel ready, explore our page to understand where to start, book a visit to your local care homes, or speak to the team at your local care home about next steps.
* Reference: Panthi M. Adaptation to Residential Care: Voices from New Zealand. OBM Geriatrics 2023; 7(4): 259; doi:10.21926/obm.geriatr.2304259
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